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Search Results 0 to 34 of about 35 (some duplicates have been removed)
">÷>cvbv:púpcq that's our show. join us tomorrow night live election coverage at 11:00 here and my final message before that would be, please vote. i know there are people here in the tri-state region that are struggling with the basic necessities. they're going to work their asses off to try and get to the polls. you should too. here it is your moment of zen >> don't boo. vote. ( cheers and applause ) vote. voting is the best revenge >> revenge is a dish best servedded cold, they say. i think he's going to have a captioning sp (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen, steph captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, it is no secret, it is absolutely no secret why there is electricity in the air tonight. nation, it is election eve. just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both camp dats-- can dats are pulling out all the stops. >> here is the president's final two day, florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and
(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. neil young will be joining us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> well, i don't know what i'm going to do if i can't stick a straw in a twinge key an captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! change so much, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you're too kind. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) folks, folks i wish everybody at home could be here in the studio tonight. these people have made me feel like king of the road. (laughter) (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us. nation, i am happy. it's the christmas season. or as my jewish viewers call it: christmas. (laughter) no exceptions. but there is one bit of yuletide news that's making visions of anger plums dance in my head. jim? >
stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, it is no secret, it is absolutely no secret why there is electricity in the air tonight. nation, it is election eve. just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both camp dats-- can dats are pulling out all the stops. >> here is the president's final two day, florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and eye watch. let me show you the mitt romney schedule. he's trying to go into pennsylvania. it's florida, it's virginia, it's new hampshire. >> stephen: so if you live in one of these states, "the colbert report" is now issuing a severe candidate warning. be prepared with fresh water and flashlights and please, if you have a single working class female suburban undecided vote never your home, cover her with plywood. or she could just get sukd up into a vortex of pandering. now folks, over a year ago i promised to make you a player in this election thanks to colbert super pac. you know our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> st
. it's a remarkable lesson for all of us. that is all for our show tonight. join us again tomorrow at our regularly scheduled non-live taping. i might even shave and shower. [laughter] right now we're going to go to stephen co-bea colbert at the ct report. >> don't tell me anything, jon, no spoilers, please. >> jon: haven't you been watching the news. >> not at all. i can't go into my show knowing anything about what my show is about. [laughter] i answer every show like a newborn baby. clean slate, no preconceptions. semi blind and covered in placenta and goo crying uncontrollably waiting to be spanked by life. >> jon: what are you wearing when this is happening, a diaper? i don't understand. >> well, yorling i don't undersu either. [laughter] >> jon: thank you for that, stephen. have yourself a wonderful election night. >> it's election night, why did you tell me. i said no spoilers. this is the colbert report. >> jon: is that a spoiler alert. can i tell you who is the vampire. vampire the wear wolf. >> vampire. once again it's the colbert on: we'll see you next time. >> i lo
. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting -- i know what who is going to win because the key to winning one of these debates is to lower expectations about your speaking skills. and biden's been doing that for four years. [ laughter ] plus he's gonna win. because the liberal media fix is in. >> critics raising concerns about the moderator in tomorrow's vice-presidential clear political bias. it turns out president obama attended abc correspondent martha raddatz first wedding back in 1991. this thing goes deep, folks. [ laughter ] 21 years ago barack obama attended debate modera
will replace obama? ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long n
. that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. why. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. ( cheering ) nation, thank you, everybody. please, sit down. now, folks, i don't know if you watched it, but last night, the mindless mobs got together again to pander to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direction. folks, i don't want a bunch of snagle-toothed, spotted dick-eating union jackoffs telling america the number of directions we can go in. ( cheers and applause ). but i will give them this-- their song "what makes you beautiful" isn't just catchy. it's got a great message.
.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, join us next week at 11:00 when we all will have power an electricity and water and food. here it, your moment of zen. >> they keep playing something in my ear, some kind of weird bubbling sound. i don't know what that is supposed to indicate. >> i think from a bong, right, but i only know that from chief and chong. >> stephen: tonight, what is art, a three letter word for disappointing your parents. then scientists released a study on friendship. and squirt shampoo in arabity's eye, it is what they do. and my guest is msnbc host rachel maddout. if she's here then who is getting ratings on msnbc. a nine-year-old boy spent his parent's life savings on candy. he shouldn't have paid full price for that $100,000 bar. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) thank you ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, you know,
thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you're too kind. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) folks, folks i wish everybody at home could be here in the studio tonight. these people have made me feel like king of the road. (laughter) (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us. nation, i am happy. it's the christmas season. or as my jewish viewers call it: christmas. (laughter) no exceptions. but there is one bit of yuletide news that's making visions of anger plums dance in my head. jim? >> one man's heart is two sizes too small this holiday season. he was arrested in canada for lying and telling kids that santa claus doesn't exist. 24-year-old man walked the parade route in ontario saying "santa's not for real." >> stephen: nation, this story sickens me. this canadian grinch just let the cat out of the bag. or, as they say in canada, the beaver out of the beaver pelt satchel. (laughter) they've got a lot of beavers up there. it's actually something of a problem. (laughter) but what can i say? there's no point denying it anymore: there is no santa claus (audience reacts)
that to us. frankly, folks, i'm stunned, i really thought romney would win. now, i'll never get to see the inaugural ball and his first dance with refalca. ♪ at last, my love ♪ has come along fine, america, it's your funeral. we tried to warn you about this guy. a multimedia empire tell you he was a america hating socialism loving anti-wealth redistributor who was probably lying about his birth place and his religion. why did we pull our punches? i tell you what. we job creators are not going to take it. we are going golf. just like an ayn rand's "atlas shrugged" and leave you on an island where only you can live, manhattan. now think about this. just think this through, folks. now, "obamacare" is here to stay. ( cheers and applause ) sure, a single illness won't wipe out your life's savings. but at what cost? ( laughter ) a lower one. ( laughter ) and now you have to wait for hours in line for medical scare instead of immediately not getting any. oh and you think you own your house, mister. think again. everything belongs to the village now. when you get home tonight, it will be c
that were just not accurate. >> mitt romney presented with us the ultimate etch-a-sketch behavior last night. >> romney has been accused of etch-a-sketch. last night was his greatest achievement. >> stephen: let me show you just how great an achievement it was. before the debate, mitt's campaign said romney will come across as empathetic. but here's what mitt has been promising for the last two years. >> tax cuts for the wealthiest americans. how do you make that seem warm and fuzzy? well, you just need to shake it up as hard as mitt did last night. >> so-- give it a shot. okay. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) now let's see what mitt's tax plan looks like now. okay? just need to get my tool here. okay. here we go. (cheers and applause) presto changeo. (laughter) now you see romney's policies, now you don't. we'll be right back. "k"kxf,x >> welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, if you watch the show you know that i have been fighting all year to stamp out voter fraud. because if even one fraud center shows up at the polls in november that would tarnish the
. thank you for joining us. nation, you know, here in the tristate area we are still dealing with the aftermath of hurricane sandy. things got so bad that people if brooklyn were forced to live like they were in the 19th century instead of just dressing like it. but just, just when we thought that the worse was over we got hit again. >> a new nor'easter is slamming new york and new jersey. a brutal nor'easter. >> nor'easter. >> nor'easter. >> yes, a nor'easter. (laughter) a stoorm so powerful it can wipe out a region's supply of ts and hs. (laughter) and folks, i'm afraid that this new storm could hurt romney's momentum. (laughter) i mean-- wheers plaus it could slow him down. i mean he already lost the election that can't help. but of course florida is still being counted. so folks i got to till, i am still hanging in there and i'm checking for updates on the campaign's i'm with mitt app. okay. it still works. and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for mitt romney. i tweeted this one today. (laughter) i'm with mitt. then later i tweeted i'm s
"stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the
(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here it is, your moment of zen. >> i'm tired of bronco bama and mitt romney! >> that's why you're crying? oh, it will be over soon, abby. the election will be over soon, captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! please, everybody, please. good to have you with us and, folks, it is good to be back. first of all i'm okay. (laughter) how's everybody here? everybody okay? (cheers and applause) full disclosure: this isn't actually my audience. we're actually one ago shelter tonight. (laughter) most of these people are just here to recharge their iphones. (cheers and applause) and to take a bum shower in the bathroom sink. (laughter) little gamey. because we have all come through one hell of a storm, folks. of course, our thoughts and prayers are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this r
. it says i personally voted for mitt romney. so it's that single tweet is any indication, jon, get used to saying president romney because he's going to win tonight in a landslide. >> jon: that's fascinating. >> that just happened jon moments ago and i'm explaining it to you now in real time. this is only a start. the election center has full capabilities through a protest we call cross screen transferability which allows us to recontexturallize our real time info for monitorrization. jon, there's no denying that is now physically bigger, you can't deny that. [laughter] >> jon: it is bigger and appears to be somewhat useless. >> i'm not even done, jon. watch this. i found click, boom. okay, real time insta instagram. it doesn't even stop. i just tweak it again while simultaneously posting that image. so if you go to one of those places you can see this image, the one dwreur you'r you're seew here later somewhere else. don't tell me it's alive and kicking my friend. i will be here all night. [crowd cheering] >> jon: we've got an awful lot. we'll check back in with john oliver. the com
believe in the constitution. i believe in our country and what our forefathers set forth for us. >> which is life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. in other words,. >> fully nude, exotic entertainment. >> he is a patron of the art of exotic dance. >> i'm the owner of night moves. >> and you, steven dick, jr., wait, certificate quussly, step endick is your name. >> my real name. >> stephen: all right then, you, steven dick is are a difference maker. (cheers and applause) for years this dick has been providing albany cultural enrichment through his dance theatre night moves. >> i am the last remaining all nude club in albany. >> stephen: but now the community may lose this treasured institution. because new york state hit night moves with a bill for almost a million dollars in back taxes. so steven dick did what any patriot would do. >> we didn't pay them. >> and why would he? because state law has an exemption for musical and dramatic performances. this is art rosen, former deputy council of the new york state department of taxation and finance. he says it all comes down to one questi
thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! please, everybody, please. good to have you with us and, folks, it is good to be back. first of all i'm okay. (laughter) how's everybody here? everybody okay? (cheers and applause) full disclosure: this isn't actually my audience. we're actually one ago shelter tonight. (laughter) most of these people are just here to recharge their iphones. (cheers and applause) and to take a bum shower in the bathroom sink. (laughter) little gamey. because we have all come through one hell of a storm, folks. of course, our thoughts and prayers are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this record surge has devastated communities from north carolina to maine. 62 people at least have died. power station explosions and downed lines have left eight million people without electricity-- including new york city below 39th street. in new jersey, the national guard has been sent in to rescue more than 20,000 trapped hoboken residents. 100 homes burned to the ground in breezy point, queens. the lar
establishment, guys like us, we're the minority now, and we're helpless against this tide of non-white people who want stuff and things. ( laughter ). they're the thing-stuff-wanters. whereas traditional white people of any race we don't want things. we have things. ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay? ( cheers ) we know what to do with things. we keep it with our stuff. and it's not just white america that's endangered. it's also man-merica. just ask msnbc news dabbler johnny doitch19 female senators out of 100. that's where america's demographics are headed. 20% women. this is why i have said we have to close our porous borders have vagi-stan. i don't know about you, but i can never find the capital of that place ( cheers and applause ) you guys know what i'm talking about. those guys over there know what i'm talking about. plus, folks, the whole-- the whole-- the whole election was marred by voter irregularities. first of all, east coast got to vote three hours earlier. that can't be fair. ( laughter ) and then there was that one place where that one black guy was. that's scary stuff. and that
p@2? >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> hi. i thought obama would be buried in a landslide. instead i've been in a ( laughter ) ( applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: what are you people doing here? shouldn't you be out celebrating? ( cheers and applause ) because evidently, you don't listen to anything i say! i've been bringing you the truth for seven years, and how do you repay me? four more years of hopi-change. ( applause ) what do you think? what do you think? you think i do this night after night for your amusement? i do it for america. what's the point? ( cheers and applause ) ( sighs ) ( laughter ) >> who the win the $10,000 prize? ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: okay, apparently, i am contractually obliigate to do a show. thank you very much, thank you very much. okay, um, all right, fine. all right, let's-- ah, let's do this. um,
. >> thank you so much. >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, good to have you with us. hey, hey, let me ask you something, everybody see that debate last night? butn't that great? i mean, romney clearly won. and, folks, i am not just saying that, i am saying that on tv. so if you're an undecided voter who did not watch, just trust me, it is 2 and 0. even though, even though, folks, the night was clearly stacked against mitt. after that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is rather low, compared to the first debate all he has to do is string a few sentences together, coherently to make eye contact with a single extentient human and show the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reaso
to give us back our beads. oh, you win this time, extinct tribe. (laughter) but before the storm hit i hope you all followed my storm prep instructions. duct tape the windows, filled your bathtubs with fresh water and built an ark. (laughter) one of every animal, only females. then add one very randy poodle. (laughter) they can mate with anything, that way we repopulate the earth with a hypoallergenic animal kingdom. you get your elephant-a-poos. (laughter) your roco-doodles. they're great with kids who don't make sudden moves. (laughter) of course, with all this heart breaking devastation, there's really only one question on everyone's mind. >> how will this affect election day? >> with much of the east coast battered by sandy only seven days from the election, how will it impact the race? >> it's mother nature's october surprise. a storm so big and so destructive it could throw the campaign's final week into chaos. >> stephen: yes, all across the country people were frantically texting their loved ones. "your father and i are or worried, have you seen the latest tracking polls of und
Search Results 0 to 34 of about 35 (some duplicates have been removed)